to Euphoria Falls
In lines drawn long
with fingers on skin
Chart out its valleys
and steep elevations
Your pen is skilled,
your ink a generous flow
Each stroke marks out territories
that only you know
Your gift is cartography
and I am your paper
Make me your map
of our explorations
It’s been a hellish weekend here, I hope you all are faring better than I these last two days.
One of many things on the list of To Do’s yesterday was to attend a friend’s wedding. We’d already scheduled a sitter and all the whatnots. TC called me as he was leaving a rehearsal and said I had 10 minutes to get ready.
He walked in the door, saw what I’d put on, shook his head that it was not gonna fly, and as I stripped it off he told me how worn out he was feeling and he really didn’t want to go at all.
"Good, me neither :)"
I’d laid out several things, skirts, tops, dresses, and as he looked over them he said, “Honestly? I really don’t like any of your clothes. I think we should toss them out.”
"OK." I don’t think he expected me to agree with so little resistance. I did have a condition though. I asked if he’d help me choose all new clothes when the time came.
"I don’t like that idea," he answered, "because every time I’ve mentioned something I like, either you veto it immediately, or you say you don’t like it just as I’m about to point out that I do."
I’m not sure this is 100% true, but it is probably mostly true. But here’s something I’ve realized about myself in the last little while: I don’t believe I deserve to have nice, feminine close that make me look good. I was bullied horribly for most of my school career, and clothes were one of the many ways I was attacked. It didn’t matter what I did, it was never good enough. If I actually wore something everyone else was wearing, I was called a poser, and their dislike of me rose to a level of vile hatred that I would dare toe one of the many arbitrary lines that separated me from them. But it wasn’t until recently that I saw how that has shaped my own hatred for dressing well, or where the source of my discomfort in wearing nice things came from. I learned to believe that I didn’t deserve it, so I stopped trying.
Y’all, I don’t even know how to style my own hair. Give me a comb, bueno. Messy bun? Check. Don’t ask me to do anything else. I mean I can DO other things but I cannot look at myself in the mirror and believe that it is ok.
Anyway back to last night. I expected him to resist but I need him. It’s so much more than a cute fantasy anymore. I need his eyes, his opinions, his preferences. I replied, “Well, you don’t even like any of my clothes so I clearly don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I trust your judgement, I know you have good taste. I value your opinion and I want to look good for you. Please help me choose my clothes.”
He countered with his own condition. “Ok, but you have to put all your insecurities aside, all of them, and be willing to try on whatever I choose, no matter what you think it might look like.”
He watched me for a moment, maybe watching to see my resolve flinch or flicker. Then he told me to start holding things up for him, to either keep or toss. We tossed most of it.
If you’ve never gone through something like this, I wish I had the time and presence of mind to describe to you how honored, how delighted in and cared for I felt as he reclined on one elbow on our bed, and that with a single movement of his head in either direction he let me know what he thought was or wasn’t good for me.
We gathered up the pile that accumulated, tossed it in a large bag to be donated, and then he took me shopping.
You sweet woman <3 Thank you for asking.
Life is in a bit of limbo right now; we’ve had multiple surgeries and hospital trips and gluten contaminations and summer busyness and existential crises on several planes. Tumblr is not something I can really invest in at the moment, but I have things I want to post, I just can’t get to it. Apologies to you (I still will be posting your earlier msg) and to those who have sent me msgs, tagged me in posts, and generally tried to get me to come to the party. I’m having to be quite responsible at the moment and be selective in what I invest my time and why.
I’m flying by night here for now, trying to stay up to speed with you all but I’m only catching lights off in the distance periodically. <3
I love when people come up to us after a gig and tell us emphatically how incredible we are together…You have no idea, dear people, no idea.