to Euphoria Falls
In lines drawn long
with fingers on skin
Chart out its valleys
and steep elevations
Your pen is skilled,
your ink a generous flow
Each stroke marks out territories
that only you know
Your gift is cartography
and I am your paper
Make me your map
of our explorations
Hi everyone, thank you for your really kind notes. They mean a lot to me. Things are really hard right now. I’m just trying to let go of control, not just in a D/s sense but in general as well, and coast, roll with it, whatever terms make sense to you.
Because I like you all so much, and because maybe some of you are dealing with similar things and need another person to touch base with, here’s what is spinning in my universe right now:
First, our internet has been very, very dodgy lately so it’s really hit or miss (mostly miss) that I can even access the Out There. Also, I’ve been coping with a lot of anxiety, which I don’t really understand and makes me kind of pissed. It’s like the biological sensation of anxiety, without reason, and that’s really frustrating. And because there’s no reason, it’s not like I can reason (rationalize) myself out of it. It’s nonsense, but it’s there all the same.
I’m also really stressed out which, no doubt, feeds or possibly even causes the anxiety on some level. I have some on-going health issues (drs appt scheduled and counting…), and am coming to terms with some things I believe Thing 1 is dealing with. It seems to be a chain link of high sensitivity, sensory processing disorder, attachment disorder, separation anxiety, respectively. I’m just fucking exhausted. It’s too complicated to explain how I feel and why but some of you probably get it.
Also my brother killed himself three years ago today. Obviously that’s shit.
Thing 2’s bday is in a wk, and I’ve planned nothing, bought nothing, and my house is out of sorts. So….keep sending me notes, they give me a lift when I’m able to actually see them. I keep holding out that one day things will find a groove again, or I’ll be able to adjust to this new normal. Right now I’m just really tired and kinda sad, not feeling present or like myself, and that’s the worst part of it for me. I feel like I can take anything on when I’m myself. Anyway, maybe some of you understand that, too. <3
"Mmmm," he stroked my cheek. "Always with gratitude. Thank you for that."
Giving and thankfulness always produce more giving and thankfulness; a sweet and perpetual paradox—you are never left empty.
And it definitely involves a canal….But it ain’t called Panama…..
There’s something about walking in to a room and he’s there, and he’s got it all worked out already. And when he grabs my hair and commands my body and mind with his…..Well that’s a plan that is worth following.
Hello all my new and constant followers! I’m not sure what caused this boost in my cosmos but welcome and browse and I’ll be back to posting one of these days…Have a whole queue stuck in my head but just can’t get to it at the present moment(s).
What a tremendously generous thing to say xx
I know I’m not posting much, life is just too busy right now. But I am here, “backstage”, if you ever want to send a msg <3
- TC: *wakes up and wraps his arm tightly around me, pulling me up against him*
- TC: I broke you last night.
- TC: *singing* ...and if you cry-y I'm gonna push it some mo-o-ore...
- TC: You needed that. You needed that release.
- me: *breathing deeply with gratitude and arousal*
- me: Yes I did, thank you :)
Lights off, curtains opened; naked against the front picture window and bracing my hands on the glass. That just happened.
me: ….wow…just….I love the way you commanded me.
TC: You really fought me!
me: You really pushed back.
me: Thank you…I love that. I need you to.
To feel small, hedged in by your control, when I usually feel stretched so far by daily life
To feel vulnerable, the rush of having my guard stripped away reminding me I’m alive
To feel challenged, moving out past the usual boundaries that can dull the senses
To let go again, more, trusting that you’ve got this, you’ve got me, and us
To feel your strength and know there is something else beyond me—that I am not the be-all and end-all, but also the sweet joy that my limitations are just that: mine, and there is so much more to feel and know in the space beyond my uncertainty and the walls I keep up
I don’t know, i wish I could say more and say it better but I’m a bit dazed…….